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Korean Women Dating Definition

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I was once sitting down with a Korean friend of mine, Gwang-eun (who we affectionally nicknamed “Crazy Daniel” due to his gregarious personality and love of the drink), at one of the local bottle bars we would frequent after work. He asked me, as many Korean men and women will, if I had a girlfriend. “No,” I replied, “do you?” “Yes! But I don’t have one girlfriend, I have three!” he boasted. He proceeded to show me pictures of all three on his smartphone, and all three were admittedly very attractive Korean women.

At the time, I thought Crazy Daniel was some kind of insane womanizer, the kind of man that most men secretly fantasize about being: someone who can successfully have relationships with multiple beautiful women simultaneously. However, as I would realize later, I had misunderstood what he was telling me because I was understanding his meaning through my Western framework about what the terms “date” and “girlfriend” denote. As with an unlimited number of situations living in a foreign country, meaning often gets lost in translation and this situation was no different. Welcome to the world of dating in South Korea.

The Romantic Vocabulary

사랑해 “I Love You” in Korean

One of the most perplexing, and most fascinating things about the Korean language is how much English has been adopted into standard Korean. In this respect, Korean isn’t any different than English or most other languages – English speakers can talk with ease about eating quesadillas and chocolate, concede to an aptly delivered counterpoint with tou che, or describe social transgressions as a”faux pas” But what makes Korean all the more interesting is that there are very simple words (to our minds) that there are no Korean equivilents for. This is especially pronounced in the language of relationships.

There are four words in dating vocabulary that are directly impressed into Korean from English. They are 데이트 (dateu lit. “date”) 커플 (keopeul lit. “couple”) 남자 친구 (namja chingu trans. “boy friend”) 여자 친구 (yeoja chingu trans. “girlfriend”)

You would expect there to be native Korean equivilents for these words – Spanish has novio/novia for boy/girlfriend, for example. However, there are to my knowledge, no native Korean words more appropriate to use for these words than the four I have described above. And if there are, they are not often used in conversation.

Because these words have been directly translated from English, it is natural to assume that the meanings associated are carried along as well in the translation. As we will see, with the exception of keopeul, the meanings don’t always match up with one’s expectations.

Take namja chingu and yeoja chingu. These words do carry the same meaning in Korean as “boyfriend/girlfriend” as they do in English. Where it gets confusing is these words also denote plutonic friends of the opposite sex as well. A Korean woman can talk to her romantic boyfriend about going out with her other “boyfriend” using the same vocabulary. Conversely a man can tell his girlfriend about how he is very close with a particular girlfriend of his. In English, this can lead to awkward miscommunication and so we have adopted terms to circumvent any lack of understanding – girls will call their plutonic male friends “guy friends” and boys have to jumble with adding relative clauses such as “girl who is my friend.” This subtle difference between English and Korean is easy enough to pick up and understand, but when you start talking about “date” is where things get really complicated.

“I’m dating…” and 데이트 are not created equally.

What does it mean to “date” somebody, in any language or any culture? You will find as many definitions as there are people, and variations exist even among English speakers using the word. The meaning of “to go on a date” everyone can pretty much agree on: two people who are mutually interested in each other meet to do some activity together in order to gauge whether they are compatible with each other so they can decide whether they want to persue a further relationship (wordy I know, but clarity is important here). And to this end, 데이트 follows this definition the same as it does in English. But when you say, I’m dating so and so, this often describes something different than a simple date. I will posit a Western definition:

“I’m dating [this person]” usually is understood to mean among English speakers as “I am in an exclusive and intimate relationship with this person” Dating is characterized here by two points: sexual intimacy and exclusivity. If one of these points is lacking in a relationship between two people, usually a speaker will qualify the relationship with another phrase such as “I’m talking to/seeing [this person]” or “I’ve been out a few times with [this person].”If a person says, “I’m dating [this person]” this indicates a relationship, not necessarily courtship.

It is possible to “date” multiple people in Korea under the Korean definition of 데이트 and not the English one. 데이트 has a much looser definition than “date.” Almost any interaction between one man and one woman doing an activity together in public can be classified as a “date” under the Korean definition of the word. Koreans do not have many plutonic friends of the opposite sex. It is not common to find co-ed groups of friends doing activities together, and it is very uncommon to see two people of the opposite sex doing anything together unless they are in a relationship. Very early in my years in Korea it was explained to me that anytime you see a man and woman together this means one of two things: a) they are siblings b) they are in a relationship, or want to be in one with each other. This has often proven to be the case.

Simply meeting a member of the opposite sex in an exclusive setting is the meaning of 데이트. If you continue to meet a person in public, but aren’t yet intimately involved, this is still a 데이트. If you meet somebody in a coffee shop, this is probably a 데이트 of some sort.

In my earlier years, I did not understand this. I had been alone with Korean girls doing seemingly innoculous things like shopping, or walking around Seoul, oblivious to the fact that I was actually on a 데이트. Similarly, I had also been on actual dates with Korean women which were very fun and enjoyable times out, but after the second or third date I was surprised as to why things were not moving forward. I thought it was because I was being rejected, which didn’t make much sense, because the dates had gone extremely well. The confusion arose because I was on a “date” in my mind, while they were on a “데이트” in theirs. Ironically, I didn’t feel as though I was dating them, the girls I was going out with probably they they were “dating” me.

Obviously, Korean men and women get into intimate and exclusive relationships with each other, but linguistically, where do our terminologies overlap?

Dating Practices

Traditional Western (read: American) style dating and traditional Korean style dating are different primarily in how quickly and at what stage intimacy occurs. In typical Western courtship, a man and a woman will meet each other in some setting, sometimes by chance or sometimes through mutual friends. A series of dates will happen, which are typically a series of encounters designed to see if the two are compatible for further intimacy. Once intimacy occurs, the couple are now “dating” or “in a relationship.” It is now possible to designate the two as boyfriend and girlfriend because they have achieved intimacy and exclusivity.

Korean dating practices are somewhat different. A man and a woman will meet each other via some means, either by chance encounter in public or by mutual friends. Then a series of 데이트 will happen. There is probably no intimacy at all during this stage. The two people are now “dating” each other. After a period of weeks, or months, the two people will decide whether or not to become a 커플 (couple). It’s a slightly more formal affair than the Western style. When the two reach this phase, “dating” now ends and now the two are a “couple.” Couples still go out on dates, obviously, but because of the differentiation between the terms 데이트 and 커플 it is possible to date more than one person at a time and speak as though you are “dating” more than one person at once. By our understanding keopeul would mean “in a relationship.”

So back to my friend Gwang-eun. Was he “dating” three women at once? Very likely he was (unless he was outright lying to impress me). Did he have three discrete 커플 relationships? Possible, but very unlikely. To my Western ears I believed that Crazy Daniel was a Crazy Womanizer, but the reality of it was he probably was simply interested in three separate girls, was talking to them, and had been out on date with each of them but did not have “three girlfriends” or was “dating all three.” Such are the language gymnastics one must learn to execute living as a young person in South Korea.

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